Old Wounds
by Di The Creator
Summary: There is a reason Jim Kirk would eventually refer to Carol Marcus as an "old wound." One shot.


AUTHOR'S NOTE:

My take on the Kirk/Carol fallout in the AU. This ties in to my other fic "Sins of the Lion" but can also stand alone. This is primarily from Carol's POV, but I hope to touch on Kirk's side of it in the future. I struggled with how to go about writing this, but opted to keep it concise. (Partly so that I focus on my next lengthy fic.) Please review to let me know what you think!

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The sound of the door to her private quarters opening came too soon.

"You wanted to see me?"

He sounded so hopeful, and when she looked up from her lengthy stare at the floor, he looked as chipper as he sounded. Hours spent on duty didn't diminish the pride he carried with his captain's stripes.

She managed a nod, but couldn't find words. That was all he needed to become instantly concerned.

"Carol, what is it?" his voice softened, a crease appearing between his brows as he moved towards her. "Did something happen?"

It was a good thing she had gotten all of her crying done with over the past few days, because it made it easier for her to look at him without breaking down. But there was still a painful clench in her chest at what she knew she had to say.

"There's something we need to discuss, Jim…" She forced herself to keep looking at him steadily, to not divert her eyes.

The anxious frown didn't smooth from his face and he gave a single nod. "Sure. You know we can talk about anything…"

"This isn't just 'anything'…"

She weakened for an instant and her gaze dropped, but with a deep breath, she forced it back up to meet his intent blue eyes; those eyes she couldn't help falling in love with the first time she saw them.

"I'm pregnant."

It didn't seem as though he heard her at all, and since she had rehearsed it in her head ten million times, she doubted whether or not she even spoke it aloud. That is, until his frown disappeared, his lips parting as he suddenly gawked at her like a fish out of water.

It made her gulp hard as she tried to read him. "…Jim? I said I'm pregnant. It's yours."

The strong, square shouldered captain suddenly listed to the side, a palm flattening on the surface of the desk beside him to keep him upright. He brought a hand to his mouth, which then ran to his cheek, then forehead, almost as though he was making sure his face was still on his head. She was sure he was on the verge of a panic attack and she quickly rose to her feet to place a steadying hand to his chest.

"Look, if you're worried—"

"_Worried_?" Then he laughed.

The next thing she knew she was whisked up into his arms, her body pulled in close against his broad chest as he laughed again. She was so disoriented that she didn't immediately realize that he was planting a chaste kiss onto her lips. Clinging for dear life with her arms around his neck, she was the one gaping now.

"You're not upset?"

He still smiled. "Why would I be upset? I'm gonna be a father! We can get married—only if you want to, it's optional—and you can move into my quarters, since they're a little bigger and so that I can look after you…"

"Jim, I'm not raising my child on a starship."

"Okay… fair enough… We can transfer to place where I can get a clerical job—"

"You're hardly halfway through your 5-year mission, I won't let you quit now."  
"Then I'll transfer as soon as it's complete."

"Jim, no."

"You are keeping the baby, aren't you?" Fear was finally beginning to show in his eyes.

"Of course…"

"Then why…" he trailed off as he looked at her, his smile finally completely faded. Carefully, he put her back on her feet. "You didn't think I wanted it?"

"Honestly, I didn't think you would be so enthusiastic…"

"Why wouldn't I be?"

She looked up at him incredulously. "Can you really not see this from my point of view? I mean… what are we? We're not together. We've made it abundantly clear that neither of us wanted a committed relationship because of where we are. We're on the most important starship in the fleet on an unprecedented mission, and though you're my captain, we each have our own priorities. Yours is this ship, mine is my work. I prefer to devote myself to science and you prefer to seek out the next new thrill on whatever planet or in whatever undiscovered phenomenon you can find. Really, you working behind a desk? We both know how ludicrous that is. It would kill you."

"Circumstances change, Carol," he spoke softly.

"Circumstances, yes. But us? No."

She hated herself for how much more cruel she was sounding every minute. But she had thought this through too thoroughly to not explain this to him as best she knew.

"Jim, maybe right now you think you want to settle down and raise a child, but that's not who you are. Your life and fullest potential is with Starfleet and it always will be. I grew up knowing that I had a father somewhere out there in the universe. I was lucky if I saw him once a year as a child. As I grew older, he transferred to London, where my mother had been raising me, and though I was able to see him more often, he was still so far away from me. Even when I was with him, his mind and heart was always with his career."

Jim said nothing for a moment, his mouth tight and his brow furrowed. "Carol. I am not your father."

She could hear the insult in his voice and it made her cringe apologetically. "No… No, I didn't mean that… The point I'm trying to make is that you belong among the stars. It's where you shine the brightest. All of my work is confined to a lab—I can take that anywhere. In fact, I think my work could progress much further on a fully equipped starbase rather than a starship."

His face was still hard. "What are you saying…?"

They both knew exactly what she was saying. Nonetheless, she made herself clarify it.

"I want to raise our child alone."

The words might as well have been a single cannon fired at his heart, because the proud captain shrank so suddenly it was as though he was crumbling from inside.

"You already decided that?" His voice was edged with denial. "You can't mean that. You said you wanted to discuss this."

"Jim, please…" She was not as prepared for this as she thought. "It can't work if we stay together, whether you take an administrative position or if I stay on the _Enterprise_. It's too dangerous to raise a baby here and you would suffocate behind a desk."

"You haven't even suggested that I could visit," he said coldly.

Even when his heart was breaking he was observant. It made her feel even worse. "No, I haven't… because I think it would be best if you didn't. I know what it's like to be a child and always looking at the sky, hoping every day would be the day my father came home. I can't put my child through the same thing."

"_Our_ child," he quietly corrected, the bitterness drenching his voice. "There is such thing as subspace communication."

The condescending tone made her feel defensive and she frowned at him. "So you would have their father be a voice and a face on a screen?"

"If that's the most I can have with my own child, I'll take it."

"Jim…"

"Why did you even call me in here?" He was beginning to raise his voice. "Why even tell me if you've already made up your mind not to include me in any of this? Obviously it never would have mattered what I'm willing to do."

"I know you're upset, but don't you dare take this out on me."

"I'm just asking you a simple question, Carol," he took a backward step away from her. "Why did you bother to tell me?"

"Because Dr. McCoy told me you have the right to know!"

He shook his head and faced his profile towards her, a bitter chuckle escaping. "Well, I'm glad Bones is the authority on where my rights begin and end…"

"He doesn't know what I decided," she said sharply. Jim was lashing out like a child, ready to drag McCoy into their quarrel.

He continued to look firmly away from her, a hand swiping down his face as he breathed sharply through his nose. Though he didn't look at her, she could see there were tears in his eyes, even if he tried to hide them.

"Jim…" she approached him slowly. "Please… I won't tell you to not be angry. I just want you to understand and accept this. I've thought it through to the point of madness and I really think—for the sake of _our_ child—this would be best."

The last thing she wanted was for him to hate her. She had never felt such coldness from Jim Kirk until now. She reached and placed a hand on his arm, in some attempt at rekindling the affection they had always had for each other.

"I want you to know, Jim, that in spite of all this I do love you—"

He tore himself away from her gentle touch and marched straight for the door. "I'll sign off on your transfer to the nearest starbase."

"Jim, wait!"

He paused at the door, his hand hovering to hit the button to open it, his back resolutely set against her.

"I don't want it to end like this…." The words trembled out of her.

"You've already made it clear that it's not about what anyone wants, it's about what the baby needs. Some might call it the logical thing to do." He was struggling to speak with some sardonic levity and it sent a sharp pain through her heart. "You had the courtesy to inform me of all this, so I suppose you also have the right to know something, Dr. Marcus…"

"Stop being this way…" she tried to hide the hurt behind an empty warning.

His harsh demeanor melted a bit and he finally turned to face her just enough to meet her eye. She had never seen such defeat in those brilliant blue eyes.

"I want you to know," he said, "I love you… and I always would have."

The door hissed open and he was gone.

She didn't think she had it in her to cry anymore. She was wrong.


End file.
